#Who do people live for?# #What are the principles of life that you think the sooner you understand the better#
People are sometimes very tired when they are alive, and the feeling of being involuntarily can only be known by personal experience.
Early Saturday morning, I was awakened by a rhythmic banging sound. The aunt upstairs turned on the chopping mode again. The sudden noise instantly ignited my hot temper! His fists were clenched, he was furious, adrenaline was flowing like a fountain! I pulled the quilt to cover my ears, retracted my head into the quilt and cursed softly, "Holy shit, I can't let anyone live anymore"!
Maybe I am a cowardly and kind person at heart. I don’t have the courage to come to my door and I can’t bear to disturb my aunt’s happy life. I think I should be more kind, hehe! However, the noise upstairs seemed to have a soul, drifting in through the air vent reserved for the quilt. My mind was buzzing with the thud-dong sounds of the aunt upstairs raising and dropping the knife, recalling the messy things in my life recently:
Firstly, the new year is approaching, and again It's a good time to visit relatives and friends. As an introverted person with social anxiety, I really don't like it. People say that modern people are indifferent. In fact, I am really not. Most of my relatives' children work away from home, and this year's epidemic has made it rare for them to come back. Usually I am always on call when someone has something to do. I just feel that a circle of seven aunts and eight aunts walking down makes me feel physically and mentally exhausted! Besides, visiting relatives now is not the feeling I had when I was a child, it’s more like a form or a ritual; right! Every time there is a sense of ceremony, and the people are still the same group of people who make me feel friendly, but they are already old. There are still laughter, exchange of cups, and greetings at the table. I pretend! I pretended to blend into their topics and atmosphere; my words were 30% sincere and 70% respectful, and I felt the enthusiasm of the elders as they shared their passionate years with me! To be honest, it’s really tiring, but I have to go. I worry about whether I will disgrace my parents if I don’t go. If I don’t go, will the already weakening family relationship be filled with a bleak color? Sometimes I wonder if I am too kind and think too much about other people’s feelings. Or are you too weak and incapable of letting the world around you run according to your own ideas? Or am I too weak, incompetent, and have no independent opinion, and can't find my own direction, so I am being dragged along according to the inertia of the world?
Secondly, I have thought of leaving my job countless times! There are not even 100 times, but there are 1,000 times, hehe! From those days when I was carrying a gold-rimmed cake drawn by my boss, thinking that my work unit could not accommodate my "mission" as a young man, to now I feel full of crisis in my middle age and have to lower my already noble head. Then I wiped my old eyes that were about to dim and saw the cruel reality. Before I could clearly see the way forward, a talented young man came behind me carrying a diamond-rimmed cake, singing loudly about his ambition to shoot me on the beach! I have nothing to do but count the ideas and creativity I once thought were "wonderful" and all of them have been realized by others one by one. I lament the impermanence of the world and suddenly feel like one of those old people! I can't help but be immersed in the past! Um! In fact, think about it, it’s not even as good as this! At least others still have "passionate years" but I only have "years" left. Passion is just an idea, haha, it's so sad!
Third, I am a smart, clever and cute, tall, powerful and handsome "good" son, don't laugh at me for showing off and boasting! Isn't there an old saying that all wives are from other people's families? My son is all good to me! I believe that every father is like me. The moment his child is born, an inexplicable sense of mission and crisis will burst out in his heart. There is a voice in his mind that keeps saying: You have a son, you have to work hard, your son wants a house, a car, money, and a beautiful woman; Oh, bah, you are overthinking! .I am not a patriarchal person, but I feel that my son is like an "atomic bomb". You can use it, but you can't live without it! From the time he was born, to the time he was babbling and then the toddler, I always firmly believed that my son must be a "prodigy". From the bottom of my heart, I could not accept the slightest imperfection in my child. I have been taught by words and deeds in various specialty classes since childhood, and the child has thrived under the plans of my wife and me. One day, a fly changed my view of my child prodigy son. I forgot why I brought up this topic that day. I asked him, do you want to be a carefree fly in the room, or do you want to be a goshawk in a world with majestic mountains and vast seas and skies? As a result, my son said he wanted to be a carefree fly! The words "Holy shit" in my heart at that time could represent all my feelings and moods. I have worked so hard to train you, just so that you can become a fly? Are you a maggot now? Alas~~~~~!
Fourthly, my married wife, who was neither beautiful, gentle nor considerate, but was as angry as a tiger descending the mountain, recalled that in those days, she was dignified, beautiful and gentle. After getting married, I realized why men like 18-year-old girls. Damn, the most beautiful age of eighteen is graceful, charming, budding, flower-like, jade-like, icy and pure, hibiscus, and fair lady. Almost all the beautiful words can be used on 18-year-old girls. What is puzzling is that women after 30 years old simply go from one extreme to another! It can be said that when you are in love, you feel like you have picked up a daughter, and all kinds of beautiful things happen every day! After I got married, I felt like I had found a mother. She was angrily nagging me all day long, ordering me to do this and that all day long. It was as if I had changed from the cute little girl to the dominant one in the family! What's even more disgusting is that my "maggot" has also learned to take sides, but not on my side!
Fifth, my mother has never been a reliable mother. When she was a child, she always fantasized about whether she was given the wrong baby when she was born. Until I was a teenager, I still had this idea. I always felt that she had been immersed in the background of a lot of children when they were young, free-range and free-range, and never thought about the fact that she was just a single child like me! Who could have imagined that a mother could lose her child while shopping in a strange city, and who could have imagined that after the child was lost, she would find her mother in a huge shopping mall by sheer luck. This mother was still picking up merchandise at this time, not knowing that her child had been lost...lost!
These negative emotions are like waves hitting the most vulnerable place deep in my heart one after another! My heart is broken! I feel like my life is such a failure! Why! If you don’t want to think about it anymore, just fall asleep to the drums playing upstairs! Confucius said: There is everything in dreams! ! I hope to be able to return to my childhood in my dreams, to be carefree and heartless, not hypocritical or pretentious, not to worry about other people's feelings, to cry when I want, to laugh when I want, to find my childhood wife to hold her hand, to raise a "maggot" who dreams of being a goshawk, and most importantly, to tell my mother: Don't lose me again.
I don’t have much culture and I just write nonsense. I don’t like it. Please forgive me! ! !
