“美帝键盘侠”脑洞大开！网友盘点各支球队最不幸状况

The most unfortunate things that could happen to each NBA team this year

我们来盘点一下下赛季NBA所有球队能遭遇的最悲惨的事情吗？

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Atlanta Hawks - Trae Young goes fully bald and becomes so unsightly that he doesnt come anywhere close to being the draw Atlanta drafted him to be

亚特兰大老鹰——特雷-杨没能成为老鹰，反而成了秃鹫，彻底泯然众人并且和老鹰选他时的预期相差甚远。

Boston Celtics - Gordon Hayward breaks his other ankle in a completely unrelated injury

波士顿凯尔特人——海沃德再次损伤了他的另一个脚踝，而且和上次的伤病毫无关系。

Brooklyn Nets - Make the playoffs after having their first round pick for the first time in years

布鲁克林篮网——这么多年终于有了自己球队的首轮选秀权，但是球队打进了季后赛。

Charlotte Hornets - Kemba Walker has a change of heart and demands a trade to L.A. before promptly being traded to the Raptors

夏洛特黄蜂——肯巴-沃克变心要求被交易到洛杉矶，但是最终被仓促交易到了猛龙。

Chicago Bulls - Wendell Carter Jr. busts hard

芝加哥公牛——温德尔-卡特彻底水掉。

Cleveland Cavaliers - look like a playoff team until the trade deadline, promptly losing every game afterward and are no longer able to sell assets while their value is high

克利夫兰骑士——在交易截止日之前像一支季后赛球队，然后截止日过去之后每场都输，球员身价大跳水根本交易不出去。

Dallas Mavericks - Deandre Jordan demands trade to LA Clippers

达拉斯独行侠——小乔丹要求自己被交易回快船。

Denver Nuggets - Michael Porter Jr's back problems become worse. Gary Harris inexplicably also begins to have back problems.

丹佛掘金——迈克尔-波特的背部问题变得更加严重了，加里-哈里斯莫名其妙出现背伤。

Detroit Pistons - Blake Griffin has a healthy season and hes fuckin trash lmao

底特律活塞——格里芬整个赛季都很健康，然后打得一塌糊涂哈哈哈哈。

Golden State Warriors - Demarcus Cousins turns out to be super bad after returning from injury. Then go on to lose one game in the finals after sweeping through the western conference

金州勇士——考辛斯伤愈回来之后打得一塌糊涂，这导致勇士在横扫西部之后还在总决赛上输了一场比赛。

Houston Rockets - Melo refuses to come off the bench. Chris Paul once again gets injured. Carmelo starts at point guard, posting a usage rate of 85% and averaging 5 passes per game. Mike D'antoni resigns as head coach

休斯顿火箭——甜瓜拒绝打替补，保罗又受伤了，安东尼打控卫然后使用率高达85%，场均五次助攻，德安东尼辞去主教练职位。

Indiana Pacers - Victor Oladipo and Tyreke Evans both turn out to have had a one hit wonder year last season. Team misses playoffs

印第安纳步行者——事实证明奥拉迪波和泰瑞克-埃文斯上赛季只是昙花一现，球队没能打进季后赛。

Los Angeles Clippers - I dont even know who is on this team besides Lou Williams. One of Lou Williams girlfriends gives him AIDS. Lou Williams dies

洛杉矶快船——我不知道这支球队除了路易斯-威廉姆斯还有谁，那最倒霉的事情就是路威其中的一个女友传染给了他艾滋，然后路威死了吧。

Los Angeles Lakers - Miss out on Kahwi this offseason. Lonzo Ball and Kyle Kuzma proceed to drop a disstrack on Lebron so viscious that he quits basketball and they are both traded. Brandon Ingram is the only one left

洛杉矶湖人——下个休赛期错过了莱昂纳德，朗佐-鲍尔和凯尔-库兹马准备出个说唱来Diss詹姆斯，然后直接BB到詹姆斯退役，最后他们两个也被交易了，球队只有英格拉姆。

Memphis Grizzlies - Who cares

孟菲斯灰熊——谁特么在乎这支球队。

Miami Heat - Hassan Whiteside is given the greenlight to shoot 3s and starts every game of the season. Proceeds to shoot 9% on 5 attempts per game. Kelly Olynyk goes to prison

迈阿密热火——哈桑-怀特塞德得到三分线外无限开火权，每场都打首发，结果他每场出手5个三分，命中率只有9%，凯利-奥利尼克被抓到监狱里去了。

Milwaukee Bucks - 5th seed. Giannis Anteaterkumquat demands a trade to the Los Angeles Lakers and is traded to the Raptors

密尔沃基雄鹿——又是东部第五，扬尼斯-安德啥啥啥博想被交易到洛杉矶湖人，结果被交易到了猛龙。

Minnesota Timberwolves - Andrew Wiggins and Jimmy Butler get into a fist fight on opening night. Jimmy Butler is defeated. Andrew Wiggins asserts himself as the alpha male in the locker room. Work ethic drops to 0%. The entire team is then traded for former Bulls Players. Derrick Rose wins MVP and injures his ACL in the first round against the 8th seeded 76ers

明尼苏达森林狼——维金斯和巴特勒在开赛夜大打出手，巴特勒被狂揍，维金斯称自己为球队老大，球队彻底失去控制，然后所有人都被交易，整支球队换成了老公牛，罗斯再次成为MVP然后在首轮对阵东部第八的76人时撕裂了前交叉韧带。

New Orleans Pelicans - Elfrid Payton removes a meticulously crafted hair cap, revealing that he never actually cut his hair.

新奥尔良鹈鹕——小佩顿放弃了自己精心打造的飞机头发型，表示他从来没有剪过头发。

New York Knicks - Exist

纽约尼克斯——存在本身就很不幸。

Oklahoma City Thunder - Paul George demands a trade to L.A., is traded to the Raptors.

俄克拉荷马雷霆——保罗-乔治要求被交易到湖人，结果还是被交易到了猛龙。

Orlando Magic - Mo Bamba wins rookie of the year. Is traded for Demar Derozan and a future second round pick

奥兰多魔术——班巴成为最佳新秀，结果被用来交易德罗赞和一个未来的次轮选秀权。

Philadelphia 76ers - Markelle Fultz returns with a new and improved jumpshot. He immediately forgets how to shoot again upon watching Ben Simmons attempt one three pointer during practice. Joel Embiid breaks his leg.

费城76人——富尔茨以全新面貌复出，结果看到本-西蒙斯投了个三分之后又忘记怎么投篮了，恩比德腿断了。

Phoenix Suns - Relocate to the actual Sun to become the Sun Suns. The entire team burns to death

菲尼克斯太阳——整支球队搬到真正的太阳上然后成为太阳太阳队，全队被烧死了。

Portland Trailblazers - Make no moves ever. Swept in first round

波特兰开拓者——休赛期啥都没做然后第一轮被横扫。

Sacremento Kings - Marvin Bagley turns out to be worse than Luka Doncic. Vlade Divac kills himself. James Dolan becomes head of basketball operations

萨克拉门托国王——马文-巴格利证明比卢卡-东契奇更垃圾，迪瓦茨自杀，然后詹姆斯-多兰运营接管球队事务。

San Antonio Spurs - Demar Derozan falls in love with a big ol woman. Demar Derozan becomes fat to make her feel better about herself. They get married. Demar Derozan is then traded to the Orlando Magic and cannot bring his wife with him.

圣安东尼奥马刺——德玛尔-德罗赞与圣城肥老女人坠入爱河，德罗赞为了让她开心变得肥胖，然后他们结婚了，德罗赞被交易到了魔术并且不能带着他老婆一起去。

注：巴克利称圣安东尼奥都是肥胖的老女人。魔术在2000年曾经非常接近得到邓肯，由于里弗斯不允许邓肯携带家属前往奥兰多，让邓肯对魔术失去了兴趣。

Toronto Raptors - Kawhi Leonard demands a trade to L.A. once again and is traded to the Toronto Raptors. A Raptors superteam is established with Paul George, Kemba Walker, Giannis, Kawhi Leonard, And Kyle Lowry. They are swept in the second round.

猛龙：莱昂纳德要求被交易到洛杉矶，结果又被交易到了猛龙，猛龙组成了乔治+肯巴-沃克+字母哥+莱昂纳德+洛瑞的宇宙无敌阵容，最后还是在第二轮被横扫了。

Utah Jazz - Donovan Mitchell makes derogatory comments towards mormons on accident. Is traded to the 76ers for Robert Covington to avoid backlash. Rudy Gobert once again sings "these hoes aint loyal" on his Instagram story

犹他爵士——多诺万-米切尔不慎发表了贬损摩门教的言论，他被交易到76人用来换考文顿，为的就是避免激烈的社会反应，戈贝尔在Ins上唱歌说米切尔不忠诚。

注：2017年休赛期海沃德与凯尔特人签约之后，戈贝尔在Ins上发表自己唱歌视频暗讽海沃德不忠诚。

Washington Wizards - Locker Room shootout

华盛顿奇才——更衣室枪击案又来一次。

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[–]RaptorsSquirtleGetsWet 3907 指标 7 天前

A Raptors superteam is established with Paul George, Kemba Walker, Giannis, Kahwi Leonard, And Kyle Lowry

:D

They are swept in the second round.

:(

猛龙球迷：

当我看到：“乔治+肯巴-沃克+字母哥+莱昂纳德+洛瑞的宇宙无敌阵容”时

我笑了！

当我看到第二轮被横扫时

我哭了……

[–][TOR] DeMar DeRozanKyleAce98 936 指标 7 天前

It hurts because this would probably happen :(

猛龙球迷：最难过的事情是这种事情真的可能发生。

[–]Knickskevinknix 795 指标 7 天前

By the Cavs

尼克斯球迷：而且还是被骑士横扫哦。

[–][GSW] JaVale McGeeashwinr136 461 指标 7 天前

After LeBron quits from the Lakers, he starts a one-man team. The Raptors get swept by the LeBron LeBrons.

勇士球迷：就在詹姆斯从湖人退役之后，他自己组织了一支一个人的球队，然后猛龙再次被勒布朗勒布朗队横扫。

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[–][WAS] John WallDeleteNephew 1981 指标 7 天前

Lmao at the warriors. “Then go on to lose one game in the finals after sweeping through the western conference.”

奇才球迷：我觉得最搞笑的还是勇士那个：“他们在横扫西部之后在总决赛上输掉了唯一一场比赛。”

[–]76erswaazaa 922 指标 7 天前

Should’ve been like...

China Klay becomes a permanent thing and never to return again. Steph Curry somehow dies from foot fungus that spread onto his face and oral cavity. KD becomes a literal snake and gets donated to the San Diego Zoo. Dray is found dead in a party with a GSW (gunshot wound) to the balls due to TT’s natural sucker shooting motion

Then wins the finals in 6

76人球迷：实际上最惨的事情是这样的……

中国汤彻底被安排，然后没能回复状态，库里由于面部和口腔真菌感人病逝，杜兰特真的变成了一条蛇并且被捐献给圣迭戈动物园，追梦在一场聚会中死于蛋蛋上的墙上，而这一切都来自TT的自然袭击动作。

然后勇士4-2夺冠。

[–]SupersonicsHaejang-guk 277 指标 7 天前

Kevon Looney 2019 Finals MVP?

鲁尼赢得了2019年的FMVP？

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[–]Knicksemoti0n 3223 指标 7 天前

New York Knicks - exist

yeah whatever dude lol

尼克斯球迷：

竟然说尼克斯最不幸的事情就是存在？

哇哦，随你便吧哈哈哈哈。

[–][TOR] Pops Mensah-Bonsushakattack917 699 指标 7 天前

Lol imagine if a gun was taken into a locker room in today's NBA

猛龙球迷：哈哈哈哈，想象一下如今NBA有人把枪带到更衣室会怎么样啊。

[–]HornetsNamath96 896 指标 7 天前

Prime Gilbert Arenas would be the best shooting guard in the league today

黄蜂球迷：那巅峰阿里纳斯一定能成为如今联盟最强“射击”后卫。

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[–]drejwalker 663 指标 7 天前

I would rather go 5-77 than Wendell be a bust #TankNation

我宁愿5胜77负也不愿意看到温德尔水掉！#摆烂国度。

[–]76ersDesjimbo[S] 386 指标 7 天前

Why not both

76人球迷：实际上老铁，这两者可以同时实现。

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[–]PistonsJbob9954 439 指标 7 天前

"Portland Trailblazers - Make no moves ever. Swept in first round"

Isn't this just a normal prediction?

活塞球迷：关于开拓者最不幸的事情——这难道不是一个正常的预测吗？

[–]76ersDesjimbo[S] 331 指标 7 天前

Sometimes the truest predictions are the most unfortunate

76人球迷：有的时候最真实的预测就是最不幸的事情啊。

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[–][BKN] Rondae Hollis-JeffersonExpulsure 184 指标 7 天前

Making the playoffs would be great, the most unfortunate thing that could happen is DLo hurting his knee again, proving his knees are just completely fucked.

篮网球迷：我觉得我网能进季后赛是一件好事，最不幸的事情莫过于丹吉洛-拉塞尔再次弄坏了他的膝盖，然后证明他的膝盖是一个扶不起的阿斗。

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来源：Reddit

编译：万事胜意