「美帝鍵盤俠」腦洞大開！網友盤點各支球隊最不幸狀況

The most unfortunate things that could happen to each NBA team this year

我們來盤點一下下賽季NBA所有球隊能遭遇的最悲慘的事情嗎？

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Atlanta Hawks - Trae Young goes fully bald and becomes so unsightly that he doesnt come anywhere close to being the draw Atlanta drafted him to be

亞特蘭大老鷹——特雷-楊沒能成為老鷹，反而成了禿鷲，徹底泯然眾人並且和老鷹選他時的預期相差甚遠。

Boston Celtics - Gordon Hayward breaks his other ankle in a completely unrelated injury

波士頓凱爾特人——海沃德再次損傷了他的另一個腳踝，而且和上次的傷病毫無關係。

Brooklyn Nets - Make the playoffs after having their first round pick for the first time in years

布魯克林籃網——這麼多年終於有了自己球隊的首輪選秀權，但是球隊打進了季後賽。

Charlotte Hornets - Kemba Walker has a change of heart and demands a trade to L.A. before promptly being traded to the Raptors

夏洛特黃蜂——肯巴-沃克變心要求被交易到洛杉磯，但是最終被倉促交易到了猛龍。

Chicago Bulls - Wendell Carter Jr. busts hard

芝加哥公牛——溫德爾-卡特徹底水掉。

Cleveland Cavaliers - look like a playoff team until the trade deadline, promptly losing every game afterward and are no longer able to sell assets while their value is high

克利夫蘭騎士——在交易截止日之前像一支季後賽球隊，然後截止日過去之後每場都輸，球員身價大跳水根本交易不出去。

Dallas Mavericks - Deandre Jordan demands trade to LA Clippers

達拉斯獨行俠——小喬丹要求自己被交易回快船。

Denver Nuggets - Michael Porter Jr's back problems become worse. Gary Harris inexplicably also begins to have back problems.

丹佛掘金——邁克爾-波特的背部問題變得更加嚴重了，加里-哈里斯莫名其妙出現背傷。

Detroit Pistons - Blake Griffin has a healthy season and hes fuckin trash lmao

底特律活塞——格里芬整個賽季都很健康，然後打得一塌糊塗哈哈哈哈。

Golden State Warriors - Demarcus Cousins turns out to be super bad after returning from injury. Then go on to lose one game in the finals after sweeping through the western conference

金州勇士——考辛斯傷愈回來之後打得一塌糊塗，這導致勇士在橫掃西部之後還在總決賽上輸了一場比賽。

Houston Rockets - Melo refuses to come off the bench. Chris Paul once again gets injured. Carmelo starts at point guard, posting a usage rate of 85% and averaging 5 passes per game. Mike D'antoni resigns as head coach

休斯頓火箭——甜瓜拒絕打替補，保羅又受傷了，安東尼打控衛然後使用率高達85%，場均五次助攻，德安東尼辭去主教練職位。

Indiana Pacers - Victor Oladipo and Tyreke Evans both turn out to have had a one hit wonder year last season. Team misses playoffs

印第安納步行者——事實證明奧拉迪波和泰瑞克-埃文斯上賽季只是曇花一現，球隊沒能打進季後賽。

Los Angeles Clippers - I dont even know who is on this team besides Lou Williams. One of Lou Williams girlfriends gives him AIDS. Lou Williams dies

洛杉磯快船——我不知道這支球隊除了路易斯-威廉姆斯還有誰，那最倒霉的事情就是路威其中的一個女友傳染給了他艾滋，然後路威死了吧。

Los Angeles Lakers - Miss out on Kahwi this offseason. Lonzo Ball and Kyle Kuzma proceed to drop a disstrack on Lebron so viscious that he quits basketball and they are both traded. Brandon Ingram is the only one left

洛杉磯湖人——下個休賽期錯過了萊昂納德，朗佐-鮑爾和凱爾-庫茲馬準備出個說唱來Diss詹姆斯，然後直接BB到詹姆斯退役，最後他們兩個也被交易了，球隊只有英格拉姆。

Memphis Grizzlies - Who cares

孟菲斯灰熊——誰特么在乎這支球隊。

Miami Heat - Hassan Whiteside is given the greenlight to shoot 3s and starts every game of the season. Proceeds to shoot 9% on 5 attempts per game. Kelly Olynyk goes to prison

邁阿密熱火——哈桑-懷特塞德得到三分線外無限開火權，每場都打首發，結果他每場出手5個三分，命中率只有9%，凱利-奧利尼克被抓到監獄裏去了。

Milwaukee Bucks - 5th seed. Giannis Anteaterkumquat demands a trade to the Los Angeles Lakers and is traded to the Raptors

密爾沃基雄鹿——又是東部第五，揚尼斯-安德啥啥啥博想被交易到洛杉磯湖人，結果被交易到了猛龍。

Minnesota Timberwolves - Andrew Wiggins and Jimmy Butler get into a fist fight on opening night. Jimmy Butler is defeated. Andrew Wiggins asserts himself as the alpha male in the locker room. Work ethic drops to 0%. The entire team is then traded for former Bulls Players. Derrick Rose wins MVP and injures his ACL in the first round against the 8th seeded 76ers

明尼蘇達森林狼——維金斯和巴特勒在開賽夜大打出手，巴特勒被狂揍，維金斯稱自己為球隊老大，球隊徹底失去控制，然後所有人都被交易，整支球隊換成了老公牛，羅斯再次成為MVP然後在首輪對陣東部第八的76人時撕裂了前交叉韌帶。

New Orleans Pelicans - Elfrid Payton removes a meticulously crafted hair cap, revealing that he never actually cut his hair.

新奧爾良鵜鶘——小佩頓放棄了自己精心打造的飛機頭髮型，表示他從來沒有剪過頭髮。

New York Knicks - Exist

紐約尼克斯——存在本身就很不幸。

Oklahoma City Thunder - Paul George demands a trade to L.A., is traded to the Raptors.

俄克拉荷馬雷霆——保羅-喬治要求被交易到湖人，結果還是被交易到了猛龍。

Orlando Magic - Mo Bamba wins rookie of the year. Is traded for Demar Derozan and a future second round pick

奧蘭多魔術——班巴成為最佳新秀，結果被用來交易德羅贊和一個未來的次輪選秀權。

Philadelphia 76ers - Markelle Fultz returns with a new and improved jumpshot. He immediately forgets how to shoot again upon watching Ben Simmons attempt one three pointer during practice. Joel Embiid breaks his leg.

費城76人——富爾茨以全新面貌復出，結果看到本-西蒙斯投了個三分之後又忘記怎麼投籃了，恩比德腿斷了。

Phoenix Suns - Relocate to the actual Sun to become the Sun Suns. The entire team burns to death

菲尼克斯太陽——整支球隊搬到真正的太陽上然後成為太陽太陽隊，全隊被燒死了。

Portland Trailblazers - Make no moves ever. Swept in first round

波特蘭開拓者——休賽期啥都沒做然後第一輪被橫掃。

Sacremento Kings - Marvin Bagley turns out to be worse than Luka Doncic. Vlade Divac kills himself. James Dolan becomes head of basketball operations

薩克拉門托國王——馬文-巴格利證明比盧卡-東契奇更垃圾，迪瓦茨自殺，然後詹姆斯-多蘭運營接管球隊事務。

San Antonio Spurs - Demar Derozan falls in love with a big ol woman. Demar Derozan becomes fat to make her feel better about herself. They get married. Demar Derozan is then traded to the Orlando Magic and cannot bring his wife with him.

聖安東尼奧馬刺——德瑪爾-德羅贊與聖城肥老女人墜入愛河，德羅贊為了讓她開心變得肥胖，然後他們結婚了，德羅贊被交易到了魔術並且不能帶着他老婆一起去。

註：巴克利稱聖安東尼奧都是肥胖的老女人。魔術在2000年曾經非常接近得到鄧肯，由於里弗斯不允許鄧肯攜帶家屬前往奧蘭多，讓鄧肯對魔術失去了興趣。

Toronto Raptors - Kawhi Leonard demands a trade to L.A. once again and is traded to the Toronto Raptors. A Raptors superteam is established with Paul George, Kemba Walker, Giannis, Kawhi Leonard, And Kyle Lowry. They are swept in the second round.

猛龍：萊昂納德要求被交易到洛杉磯，結果又被交易到了猛龍，猛龍組成了喬治+肯巴-沃克+字母哥+萊昂納德+洛瑞的宇宙無敵陣容，最後還是在第二輪被橫掃了。

Utah Jazz - Donovan Mitchell makes derogatory comments towards mormons on accident. Is traded to the 76ers for Robert Covington to avoid backlash. Rudy Gobert once again sings "these hoes aint loyal" on his Instagram story

猶他爵士——多諾萬-米切爾不慎發表了貶損摩門教的言論，他被交易到76人用來換考文頓，為的就是避免激烈的社會反應，戈貝爾在Ins上唱歌說米切爾不忠誠。

註：2017年休賽期海沃德與凱爾特人簽約之後，戈貝爾在Ins上發表自己唱歌視頻暗諷海沃德不忠誠。

Washington Wizards - Locker Room shootout

華盛頓奇才——更衣室槍擊案又來一次。

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[–]RaptorsSquirtleGetsWet 3907 指標 7 天前

A Raptors superteam is established with Paul George, Kemba Walker, Giannis, Kahwi Leonard, And Kyle Lowry

:D

They are swept in the second round.

:(

猛龍球迷：

當我看到：「喬治+肯巴-沃克+字母哥+萊昂納德+洛瑞的宇宙無敵陣容」時

我笑了！

當我看到第二輪被橫掃時

我哭了……

[–][TOR] DeMar DeRozanKyleAce98 936 指標 7 天前

It hurts because this would probably happen :(

猛龍球迷：最難過的事情是這種事情真的可能發生。

[–]Knickskevinknix 795 指標 7 天前

By the Cavs

尼克斯球迷：而且還是被騎士橫掃哦。

[–][GSW] JaVale McGeeashwinr136 461 指標 7 天前

After LeBron quits from the Lakers, he starts a one-man team. The Raptors get swept by the LeBron LeBrons.

勇士球迷：就在詹姆斯從湖人退役之後，他自己組織了一支一個人的球隊，然後猛龍再次被勒布朗勒布朗隊橫掃。

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[–][WAS] John WallDeleteNephew 1981 指標 7 天前

Lmao at the warriors. 「Then go on to lose one game in the finals after sweeping through the western conference.」

奇才球迷：我覺得最搞笑的還是勇士那個：「他們在橫掃西部之後在總決賽上輸掉了唯一一場比賽。」

[–]76erswaazaa 922 指標 7 天前

Should』ve been like...

China Klay becomes a permanent thing and never to return again. Steph Curry somehow dies from foot fungus that spread onto his face and oral cavity. KD becomes a literal snake and gets donated to the San Diego Zoo. Dray is found dead in a party with a GSW (gunshot wound) to the balls due to TT』s natural sucker shooting motion

Then wins the finals in 6

76人球迷：實際上最慘的事情是這樣的……

中國湯徹底被安排，然後沒能回復狀態，庫里由於面部和口腔真菌感人病逝，杜蘭特真的變成了一條蛇並且被捐獻給聖迭戈動物園，追夢在一場聚會中死於蛋蛋上的牆上，而這一切都來自TT的自然襲擊動作。

然後勇士4-2奪冠。

[–]SupersonicsHaejang-guk 277 指標 7 天前

Kevon Looney 2019 Finals MVP?

魯尼贏得了2019年的FMVP？

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[–]Knicksemoti0n 3223 指標 7 天前

New York Knicks - exist

yeah whatever dude lol

尼克斯球迷：

竟然說尼克斯最不幸的事情就是存在？

哇哦，隨你便吧哈哈哈哈。

[–][TOR] Pops Mensah-Bonsushakattack917 699 指標 7 天前

Lol imagine if a gun was taken into a locker room in today's NBA

猛龍球迷：哈哈哈哈，想像一下如今NBA有人把槍帶到更衣室會怎麼樣啊。

[–]HornetsNamath96 896 指標 7 天前

Prime Gilbert Arenas would be the best shooting guard in the league today

黃蜂球迷：那巔峰阿里納斯一定能成為如今聯盟最強「射擊」後衛。

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[–]drejwalker 663 指標 7 天前

I would rather go 5-77 than Wendell be a bust #TankNation

我寧願5勝77負也不願意看到溫德爾水掉！#擺爛國度。

[–]76ersDesjimbo[S] 386 指標 7 天前

Why not both

76人球迷：實際上老鐵，這兩者可以同時實現。

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[–]PistonsJbob9954 439 指標 7 天前

"Portland Trailblazers - Make no moves ever. Swept in first round"

Isn't this just a normal prediction?

活塞球迷：關於開拓者最不幸的事情——這難道不是一個正常的預測嗎？

[–]76ersDesjimbo[S] 331 指標 7 天前

Sometimes the truest predictions are the most unfortunate

76人球迷：有的時候最真實的預測就是最不幸的事情啊。

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[–][BKN] Rondae Hollis-JeffersonExpulsure 184 指標 7 天前

Making the playoffs would be great, the most unfortunate thing that could happen is DLo hurting his knee again, proving his knees are just completely fucked.

籃網球迷：我覺得我網能進季後賽是一件好事，最不幸的事情莫過於丹吉洛-拉塞爾再次弄壞了他的膝蓋，然後證明他的膝蓋是一個扶不起的阿斗。

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來源：Reddit

編譯：萬事勝意