昨天在一個群里講座，應大家要求，貼了幾篇我修改過的申請文書。
今天，在這裡，把其中一篇貼出來與大家分享。如果大家喜歡這樣的實戰文書分享，給我留言，那我就以後多貼點這樣的文章。
公共號開了幾個月了，總是怕自己的文字浪費別人的時間污染別人的眼睛。這些年，電腦上給學生潤色的各式各樣的文章應該好幾千接近萬篇了吧，大家喜歡，我可以貼一點在這裡的。
必須要說明的是，這個學生的老SAT成績大約是1800分，甚至不到（最後去了個40名左右的學校）。所以，面對這樣的標化成績，文書潤色老師的重點是擰出來核心內容，盡量使用簡單句及small word，在文章可讀性上多下工夫。
甚至，要對整體結構大動干戈。
切忌，對於SAT分數一般的學生，文書潤色老師要避免使用華麗辭藻複雜的一塌糊塗的句式。記住，文書最起碼要給招生官感覺到真實吧。如果文風華麗，而自己的SAT分數一般，很容易給人造成一個印象，就是這篇文章不是申請者自己寫的。
所以，對一個SAT分數不出眾的學生，文書潤色老師刻意保留點語法錯誤，和中式英文的痕迹，都是非常應該的。最少，顯得真實（當然也有不同意見，因為會讓招生官感覺申請者用心不夠。不過，我的態度更傾向去前者）。
所以，作為一個優秀的文書潤色老師，在拿到一個學生初稿時候，這些問題都是要認真考慮的。當然，我相信一個優秀的文書潤色老師，上面這個，TA應該是懂的。
大家可以看下初稿，再看看我給這個學生潤色後的稿件：通篇句式簡單，用詞簡單，但還是看到一個吃貨，她的吃的世界，和她在吃的世界的發現。
我根據內容給文章的標題定位Gulp down the Town，就是“吃下一座城”，down和town的押尾韻，作為標題也算是eye-catching。
讓大家見笑了。
學生初稿：
Throughout my life, 對我而言最重要的一件事兒就是吃。
中國飲食文化博大精深，還在中國那會兒，外婆每天變着法子給我燒各種各樣的菜，而我也是一味的坐享其成，過着飯來張口的日子。
來了美國之後，學校給我安排了美國的寄宿家庭，住家媽媽是個地道的美國人，卻會做各個國家的美食，周一是Indian night, 周二是Chinese night，周三是Mexico food，周四是美國大餐etc.。住了一年下來，我不僅了解了美國當地的飲食，而且也嘗到了別的不同國家的美味，可以說是大快朵頤。在欣賞和享受的過程中，我對cook逐漸產生興趣，每到周末，我和住家媽媽就會一起按着料理書做各種cupcakes，按着instruction 一步一步往下做，最後看到一個個漂亮的cupcake出爐，此時我的成就感和欣喜是不可言喻的。
暑假回國後的一天，我自己一個人在家，突然心血來潮想嘗試自己下廚。check了一下廚房，發現只有一包雞翅和幾株青菜。材料不夠，這是個問題。突然靈光一閃，瞥見了角落裡幾瓶可樂：在美國的時候，經常喝可樂，那為什麼不試着做一個可樂雞翅呢。直接用可樂煮的話一不入味，二會太甜,於是我把雞翅先用熱水煮到半熟，然後取出晾乾，等雞翅冷下來之後，劃開幾道口子，讓可樂容易入味。之後把雞翅放進鍋子，倒入可樂和醬油煮到雞翅把湯汁都收進去。
It’s my first time try cooking, and I combined coke I usually drink in America and what I eat in china, I would say that it was the accomplishment in my life. During my study in US, I gradually developed my ardors for multi-cultural study. The dish I made was a combination of American and Chinese dishes.
學歷史：
When I was in china, Chinese history class has been a tough class for me. Reasoning the exam-orientededucation, we have to memorize all the historicalevents happened: their year, main characters, origins and results. All the things teachers do is just asking us to height the key points and remember them. History really gave me big trouble in China.
Things start to change when I first time I walked in us history class in America. My history teacher Mr. Roe stood in front of the big map of United States. He pointed out a small spot in map: “This small place is Jamestown, where is the first permanent English settlement in the Americas.”Starting with the map,He talked about all the historical events happened there and how this small town had changed the history of United States. After a week’s study, he asked us to do a group project and make a timeline for things happened that period. While making the timeline, I did a lot of search and memorized both of the time and events spontaneously.
張一冰老師定稿：
Gulp Down the Town
I grew up in a traditional Chinese family. My grandma would cook for us daily. Probably because I was force fed at home, I have always been a picky eater. Brought up in the little town, I felt that the world was just as insipid as the rice I ate every day. The experience of food has been a part of my world for as long as I can remember, but only that of Chinese food.
In grade 10, when I came to America, I was lucky to have a host mom who loved to cook in every style possible. Chinese food, Japanese food, Mexican food; almost everything you would find on a menu could be our next dinner. I savored different foods, and I quickly began to love the experience I had with each meal. A sense of happiness came over me when the bell struck for dinner time.
I loved my new experience with my host family and the world of food that they introduced to me, but over time I was not content. I set out to explore on my own, looking for exotic foods while traveling across America. I placed flags on my traveling map, and decided to make my way across the country, literally eating my way through each town one by one. I planned and spent my vacations roaming several cities and relishing local foods.
My first stop was Boston. I went to Newbury Street and stopped at “Georgetown cupcake”, whose cupcakes were the best. After an enjoyable “duck tour” around the city, I asked for a “Sunshine Vanilla”, and the sunshine of Boston was etched on my memory. Then I came to the famous “Doughnut Planet” at NYC. I was so content sitting by the window, with a strawberry syrup donut in hand. Outside, the busy New Yorkers were walking to their destinations; inside, the soft muffin gave me a kiss that I would never forget. Later, I came to Philadelphia. “Philly Cheesesteak” was the one that I loved with all my soul. The grilled beef steak was wrapped with cheese, niched itself in the freshly baked bread, a treat for the stomach and mind.
One by one, the flags went down.
Day by day, I came to love the country more and more.
After each vacation traveling, I had a more profound understanding of the specialties of that city, and the historic events found their way into my memory. When I returned to school for the new semester, my American History course was not intimidating, but interesting.
My history teacher Mr. Roe stood in front of the big map of the United States. He pointed out a small spot in map: “This small place is Philadelphia, the birthplace of America”. He talked about the historical events that the small town had witnessed and how it had changed the history of United States. “In 1776, Founding Fathers of the United States signed the Declaration of Independence; in 1787, the Constitution.” I looked at the spot on his map, and I fondly recalled the flag that once stood there but recently went down with “Philly Cheesesteak”.
I gulped down all the historic events related to Philadelphia.
Now with a world map on the wall, I set my eyes on the little planet, on the little towns that seem to beckon me. I am burning with an urge to gulp down each town on the planet, to gulp down its food, and its culture.
註：本文轉自《張一冰說》微信公眾號
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